How Phil Coulson got his Captain America Vintage Trading Cards
by MadQuinn13
Summary: The story of how Phil got his Captain America Vintage Trading Cards.


AN: I tried to find out if he had the complete collection and I found this thing on Amazon where you can buy Phil's near mint vintage cards and they were numbered. 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 15. So it's not complete and he's missing like five so I'm guessing he just exhausted every possibility of finding them since he said it took him two years to get the ones he has. So this fic is going to take place over the spam of two years.

…First Card… (5)

Phil was excited after years of searching for those Captain America trading cards that his mother threw out when he 'ran away' to his tree house and didn't come back inside after midnight. But he just got the first one and dag-nab-it he had to tell everyone he has his first near mint card. He only needed a few more.

He knew where Natasha and Clint would be, they just got back from a mission so they should be at medical because they never manage to get out safely if they both went, even if most of their injuries were friendly fire. Maria should be with them too so he could go tell all three of them at the same time.

When he went by medical he was told they never came in. He should've figured that. They liked playing 'let's see how much of our blood we can get on Phil's important paperwork that cannot be reprinted.' They were in Maria's office so it was close enough.

Natasha was in some pants that were way too big for her and her bra while Maria using a pen and a tiny umbrella Which Phil hopes didn't use to belong in someone's drink to remove the arrow shrapnel in Natasha's shoulder since Clint decided to use the splintering arrow heads when shooting Natasha.

Phil entered the room and was pleased that as soon as he cleared his throat the two assassins looked up at him. "What is the rule about shooting each other?"

"Don't let Fury find out?" Clint guessed.

"Don't aim for the head area." Natasha guessed.

"No. If it requires surgery like say having shrapnel removed you need to actually report to medical and have them do it with the nice clean tools. Not with a pen and a cocktail umbrella. You better have gotten me a cocktail too." Phil really just thought of Natasha and Clint as children. They acted like it more times than not. They respected him at least. They didn't always listen but when it counted they did.

"Fine. We'll go now." Natasha sighed in defeat. Maria was actually very glad she could stop jabbing the insides of someone with a pen and cocktail umbrella.

"You can wait a bit. I have something to show you. When I say show I mean do not even think of touching it or I will have the finger in a jar on my desk as a warning to anyone who wants to touch it. Got it?" He was being deadly serious and the assassins knew this and they knew to listen to him.

"I had to drive eight hours to a pawn shop to get it. So do not even breath on it." Phil reached into his jacket pocket and took out a hard plastic case protecting a card. "This is a vintage Captain America trading card." None of the other people in the room looked impressed. Natasha looked bored but she might also be in pain. Maria was annoyed but then again she was just doing a surgery with a pen and cocktail umbrella so he was going to chalk that look up to that. Clint actually seemed to understand what the fuss was. A bit.

"Can I go get the bits of metal out of my shoulder now?" Natasha asked getting off the desk.

"Fine. Go. All of you. I don't want to be near you if you don't understand how big this is." He stood there as Natasha and Clint both passed him.

"This is my office so I'm not leaving." Maria was surveying the amount of blood on her desk. "Do you think Anita would clean this up if I ask nicely?"

"You need to buy her a spa package and rent a limo to take her and her five sisters to said spa and even then she might say no." Phil answered knowing full well of how this worked.

"Does anyone respect us?"

"I respect you."

"That's what I thought."

…Second Card… (2)

Clint was currently lining up a shot taking out some guards while Natasha was inside the club getting info by dancing and maybe even giving a lap dance. He never got to play the stripper.

"Barton stop pouting." Phil was in the van listening to the taps they had in the strip club.

"I wanna be the stripper next time."

"You had the chance to be the stripper last time but you didn't want gay men and straight women objectifying you."

"Well I'm sorry I have more self-respect than Natasha."

"I'm wearing an ear piece you dumbass." Natasha's voice could barely be heard though the bass of the music.

"Well I do have more self-respect than you."

Phil was rolling his eyes checking the cameras and saw it. A man just started flashing a mint condition number two Captain America trading card. "Something came up kiddies. Daddy has to go do something. Uncle John is going to be filling in."

"My name is Rick."

"You're not our real dad." Clint never had Phil bail on him before during a mission he couldn't think of the reasons why he would now.

Phil entered the club, gun safely hidden away. He needed to trap that man in the bathroom and take the card. He'd kill for it. Literally. He was ready to kill that guy and get the card. He would rather have the car safely out of the reach of blood splatter of course.

He spotted Natasha giving a lap dance to the target. That was good. She noticed him. That was bad.

Okay focus Phil see the man, see the card, take the card, show off to Natasha, Clint and Maria.

"Cop!" Someone shouted. Phil sighed, he knew what was going to happen. There was going to be a roit and a shootout. But he needed that card.

Time was in slow motion but at the same time it was a blur. He had the card, the card was blood free but Natasha somehow got shot in the chest. She said she was having a hard time breathing, she was coughing up blood and she was pretty sure the bullet went straight into her lung. Sure the mission was a botch but Natasha got some info from the target before he was killed with a stray bullet so it wasn't too bad.

"Why did you enter the club?" Natasha asked glaring at him while Clint tried to think of something to do since he wasn't sure how to fix Natasha. Phil answered in showing her the card.

"I'm sorry you got shot." Phil was a nice guy.

"Can I see the card?" Natasha held out a bloodied hand and Phil shook his head.

"Blood stains would make it useless." Clint was the smart one. He handed over a pair of gloves to Natasha. Once they were on he was had no problem to pass it the bleeding redhead.

Natasha turned the card over and back again. "Yeah. See I don't see how this is worth what went down." She ripped it in half and then ripped those pieces in half as well before throwing them at a teary eye Phil. "That was uncalled for." The glares he received from the two assassins made him feel so guilty he had to lie. "Okay maybe it wasn't too uncalled for but still now you got shot for nothing."

Yes Fury flipped his shit over the fact that the mission was a failure and Natasha was out of active duty for a while until she healed but when Phil went back to his desk Maria was standing there holding the pieces of the card.

"You know the interns here for some reason are huge nerds. I heard one of them bragging about having this card in near mint. You can go pull some high rank stich with him and take it."

"I wouldn't feel right taking it from someone who might one day be responsible for having my back." Phil wished he could.

"Well then it's a good thing I did it then." She held up the near mint card between two fingers and Maria swears that he was going to burst into tears. "And I did it without almost killing one of the best agents we have."

"If it wasn't for the fact that I knew it would result with me in a coma I would hug you."

"Yeah, you go change your tampon Phil. I'm going to actually do some work around here."

… Third Card … (10)

eBay was the best friend Phil ever had right now. He had five minutes left for his bid.

His max bid was five hundred but that should last him since the bid now was only at 60.

He was fine with this. The card was his and when it came he was going to die Clint, Natasha and Maria to a chair and force them to watch the many videos he had about Captain America.

Now he was bragging about spending the evening winning the next addition to his collection and Clint and Natasha just couldn't pass up the opportunity to mess with him, it was victimless since either way Phil would end up with the card.

"Why are you two in my office?"

"Phil is trying to buy a card on eBay so we're going to mess with him. We need your computer." Natasha was already moving Maria's chair back as she spoke.

"How long until the bidding is over?"

"Five minutes."

"Fine. But don't make him cry again." Maria didn't want any more tear stains on her couch.

"No promises." Clint was currently typing away at the keyboard before clicking at the mouse to submit his bid.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL MURDER YOU!" Clint's office was down the hall from Maria's but still the volume they heard was impressive.

"I had nothing to do with this got it?" Maria was not getting in shit because they want to mess with Phil.

"Yeah sure. You're never involved in anything fun anyways." Natasha shoved Clint out of the way. "Oh leave your credit card or don't I mean I still remember the info anyways."

"Just make sure he gets the card either way."

"If we don't win it, and he doesn't we will personally hunt down then loser whose mother is no doubt forcing him to sell it and take it from him, with or without force." Clint was actually looking forward to it.

"Yeah since he made it very clear these cards are worth more than our lives." Natasha was still bitter about the fact that she was shot for one of those cards.

"Hey Maria go find out what his max bid is so we can top it."

"Fine. The sooner you get to his max bid they quicker you're out of my office." Maria went down the hall and went into Phil's office, they were past knocking. "Phil what are you doing?"

"Trying to win a number ten Captain America vintage trading card. Some asshole just started biding. Joke's on him, I have my max bit at five hundred." Phil was changing his bid again only to groan in frustration as Clint and Natasha out bid him once again.

"How much is the card worth?"

"Priceless."

"To a sane person."

"Thirty dollars maybe."

"Lower your max bid." Maria left his office at that point. She had the two children in her office, she had Phil freaking out because of what they were doing. She knew this wasn't going to end well. He was going to find out and he would make their lives hell. He was the one who made sure their apartments were paid for and stocked with food. He could make the stop. He also was the one holding the paperwork which kept them both out of jail for past crimes and Natasha out of a room somewhere in Russia being slowly tortured to death. She could remind them of this but a few years behind bars could be good for Clint and hell Natasha has been bitching about being stuck in the city.

She went back to her office finding those two enjoying themselves far too much. "His max bid is two hundred. Just give it to him. That card is only worth thirty."

"Someone else joined the bidding…it's now at one grand." Natasha didn't know if she should be sad for Phil, guilty for the fact that she might have caused this, or pissed that someone else is messing with Phil and that was only for her, Clint and sometimes Maria.

"What did you two do. He's going to lose this card. We are going to hear him bitch and moan for days over this."

"We only got him from sixty to one fifty." Natasha defended them. "You should probably start coming up with a cover story to tell the IT guys so we can find out where the guy lives."

"We're not bringing anyone else into this mess. You have the skill to do. So do it."

"Fine but if the FBI come calling because what I'm about to do is actually illegal. I am pretending not to speak English and remember this is your computer you're going down."

Natasha had tracked the guy down, well the woman as it turned out. Some Pepper Potts. Luckily it was being shipped to New York and it wasn't hard to find out her address. "Lucky you Clint. You get to be the stripper this time."

"Who do I get to shake it for?"

"Pepper Potts, she currently works for Stark Industries as Antony Stark's assistant. Oh the poor woman. You might as well kill her, put her out of her misery." Natasha only knew of Stark from videos and new reports but he seemed like a clear ass and playboy and she didn't want to imagine what working for him must be like.

"Yeah sure. I want a pic, see if I need to pop a Viagra or not."

"Oh please she could be the hottest woman alive and you would still have a problem getting it up."

"That was one time and I only told you because we were both very drunk and I was hoping for some I'm-sorry-your-penis-isn't-working sex."

"Why does every conversation you two have in my office always led to Clint's penis?" Maria asked just wanting her office back.

"It's so big it can't be ignored."

"Please it's so small if you weren't so flat chested I would've thought you were a very butch woman." Natasha really wanted to forget about the odd times she actually had visual contact with said penis.

"Oh hey Phil just made a last second bid. Come on, five seconds left. Kick that Potts chick in the ass." Clint was getting pretty excited, it was like watching the Superbowl.

"YES! THAT'S RIGHT WHOSE YOUR FUCKING DADDY! THAT RIGHT I AM! IT'S MINE! STEVE ROGERS NUMBER ONE FAN! FUCK YEAH!" Phil's cheering was louder than his swearing. It was also loud when he slammed into Maria's door when he was too excited to use a doorknob. He got it on the second try though. "I won the card! I got it. It's mine. I'll of course show you as soon as it comes…why do you have eBay open? Why are you on the Cap'n card page." It took him a minute but Phil finally got it. "You little shits! That's it. I am done. Done with all of you! I am done saving all your asses and making sure you're laundry is all clean and folded and put away for you by the time you get home! No more! You're all on your own!" Phil stormed off.

"We went too far."

….Forth Card (9) …

Phil was still mad at Clint and Natasha. He wasn't even their handler anymore. He stopped doing all the little things he usually did for them. Which did explain why they were both kicked out of their respective apartments and all of their belongings were sold to homeless people for cans. He got his revenge in another way as well. While they were sleeping (or drugged if it was ever proven) he found a way to slip two tiny little speakers into their ears. For the next six days and maybe longer if they weren't driven insane by then all they would hear would be Journey's Don't Stop Believing mixed with the odd Faith by George Michael.

He knew that Clint was on a mission in Italy and Natasha was in Maria's office slowly going insane because she cannot find the source of the music yet it wasn't so loud that she couldn't hear other people. Life was good. He was having a hard time finding another Captain America trading card but he did call every single pawn ship in the country and some in Mexico and Canada near the border. Each member of staff was promised a crisp hundred dollar bill if they called him as soon as something came in.

He was still searching online but when someone knocked on his door and he said come in without checking to see who it was he was a bit surprised to see Clint standing there. He must have just gotten back.

"I'm sorry. We took it too far. But I swear we stopped when it started getting expensive we just wanted to tease you a little bit." Clint laid a box down on Phil's desk. "I know you're responsible for the annoying music but jokes on you. I'm starting to really love it." With that Clint left leaving Phil to ponder if he should open the box or not. He did. It was bothering him not knowing what it was.

"I'm going to have to stop the music now." He held up the Captain America Number Nine near mint card. Clint made it up to him.

He figured he should go say thank you to Clint but he was far too happy to move.

…Fifth Card (15)….

Ever since Clint found that card in Italy Phil was now searching over the world for more. He heard this man in Russia had near mint 15. He wanted this card. He just needed an excuse to take one the of jets to Russia and not cost him anything.

So he needed to find Natasha who for some reason was always in Maria's office, even when Maria wasn't.

"Your father is dying. I just got the info. He's dying and you need to go see him and say goodbye because he is your father." Phil really needs to look before he speaks when entering offices. Fury was glaring at him, Maria looked bored, Natasha looked amused aright well at least she was here.

"Is this how you give terrible news to people Coulson?" Fury asked.

"Yes…when I'm nervous. Sorry Natasha…" He looked down at the ground and silently begged Natasha to go along.

"It's okay…he was a smoker…" Natasha was playing along, well good. She was over the music thing.

"Agent Romanoff you were born in '29. Your father was born at least fifteen years earlier. Do you want to really get involved in this shit storm?"

"My father actually died in '32. But my father knew this guy who was basically his partner all throughout the great war and when my father died in the house fire he adopted me. He was given the same serum I was so yeah it could be him dying and yeah he's a smoker. What were you saying about a shit storm?" Phil could kiss her for how fast she thought on her feet. Fury knew that certain things with Natasha were sore spots. He seemed to be weighing the options.

"If you need to leave, let me know." He left the room with that and Maria looked over at Phil.

"What is really going on because even if that sore ass old man who looks at a little child and decided 'Gee what a good assassin you'd make' was dying you wouldn't know, let alone anyone who actually knows who Ivan Petrovitch is, let alone that he adopted her could call you." Maria crossed her arms and leaned back into her chair.

"A pawn shop in Russia has the fifteenth card. I figured if we pretend Natasha's father is dying we can use one of the jets and go for free. I didn't know Fury was in the room. I also forgot how old you actually are." He directed the last part at Natasha.

"Alright let's go. Haven't been back there in a while." Natasha was game, she knew that the sooner he finished his collection the sooner he could leave them alone.

"That's because most people there who are given all kinds of guys and other fun weapons want to kill you." Maria was against this.

"Yeah but that's only in certain cities. Where is the pawn shop?"

"Volgograd."

"Fuck." Natasha really didn't want to go back there. "Oh well. Let's go." Natasha started to follow Phil out.

"You are not leaving the jet." Maria called after them, Natasha just looked back with the rare smile of hers.

"Don't worry. Too many people there want me dead or worse."

Hours later when they returned Phil was over the moon with his card and didn't really have an explanation about where Natasha was since last he checked she never left the jet. She was just not visible on it when he left. He was really hoping she was invisible. "The main point here is, Fury thinks she seeing her dying father and I have my card." Maria grabbed the card right out of his hands.

"You're going back there and if you don't come back with her, this card is getting destroyed." Maria was scary. Phil didn't entirely understand it yeah sure she was Natasha's handler but still when they lost Clint in Vegas they didn't freak out this much and he was drunk and most likely lying in a bathtub full of ice missing his kidneys.

"Fine, I'll go find her but she probably just found a bath and body works. You know what she's like with that store." Phil went back to the jet. It took him a week but he did finally find Natasha, she was out cold and covered in blood in the back of some alley with medical tubing and the needle end of a iv still in her wrist but she was going to be okay. He needed to stop involving her on his card searches. It never went well for her. Then again this was the most dangerous city for her. That might have something to do with it, the only people who knew what diseases could affect her and not were in this city, the only people who know all the little triggers to wipe her mind of all but the fake memories they gave her were in this city. He never should brought her. He got the card back from Maria and placed it in a plastic protector with the others. He might need to work on his priorities. Just a smidge

…Sixth Card (4) …

Clint was in Phil's chair with his feet up on his desk. Phil was currently getting verbally raped by Fury for messing up some paper work and Clint was supposed to watch the phone and the net encase a card became up for grabs. So that's what Clint was doing. These cards were getting harder and harder to find. Apparently 2, 10 and 5 were the most common ones. It had been four months since he last found a card. Clint was forced to actually leave the confines of his own imagination about the last random girl he picked up in a bar, she had some stripper name, her breasts were just so firm and big. He couldn't help but wonder if they were real or not by the ringing phone.

"Hello, you have reached Phil Coulson the forever virgin. He's not in but if you want to leave a creative pointing out of his flaws and lack of sex appeal hit one now." Clint really should go work for a call center when he retired from killing people.

"This is Never Broke Pawn in Austin, Texas, I was promised money if I called this number when a new Captain America card came in." The person on the other end didn't sound amused by his intro.

"Which number?"

"4."

"I'll be right there." Clint hung up and decided to go find Phil and let him know. He was also told under no circumstances was he to involve Natasha, she only had bad luck when Captain America was involved.

"Phil! Phil! Phil!" Clint screamed as he ran down the halls. Sure some people fired warning shots at him, and yelled at him to shut up but none of that mattered. He needed to find Phil before someone else bought the card.

Fury heard him though.

"Barton explained to me why I have yet to toss you off the roof and use you as target practice?"

"I am one of the best shots you have plus I did find Natasha for you. Phil still with you?"

"Agent Coulson is in the med bay now shut up." Clint went down and found Phil talking to one of the doctor who had to give him the physical.

"For the last time, I don't like making small talk when I'm giving you a prostate exam." The doctor told a smiling Phil.

"All I asked was if you were seeing someone." Phil didn't know what the big deal was.

"No talking next time." The doctor noticed Clint and started to walk away.

"Good news buddy. A pawn shop called your office. They have the fourth card." Clint knew that he was going to either get a very big and tight hug or a kiss with a little bit of tongue.

"Where is the pawn shop?" Phil didn't want to get his hopes up, the shop in Germany liked to mock him.

"Austin Texas."

"Oh Clint I could kiss you."

"I swear I'm not ashamed of our relationship but not in front of the doctor's whose fingers were shoved up your ass." Clint didn't want to ever think about how many times they had kissed.

"Should we fly or drive?"

"It would take one day and two hours to drive."

"Drive it is." Phil seemed excited. "Come on I'll show you my mix tapes."

After the twenty six hours of nothing but driving while listening to the same Captain America song over and over again Clint was ready to scream but it was worth it by how excited Phil was to place that card in the tight hard plastic case.

"Now that you have it, can we please not listen to the same song on the way back?" Clint was so close to committing murder suicide.

"Oh don't worry. I have a different song for the trip back. The second Captain America song."

"I'll walk back…"

…Seventh Card (11) …

Phil was bored so he was going through pictures on his phone, going through the pictures and found the ones from when he made Natasha go to her very first carnival, yes they were trapped on that broken Starship 2000 ride for three hours going in a circle so fast that they were literally forced back into the padded walls of the ride. Luckily no one threw up during the terror only after and it just missed them.

He saw the pictures he swear was proof that the helicarrier was lousy with ghosts. Good ol' agent Smith, he only made it one day on the helicarrier and died in a freak toilet accident. No wonder he haunted the bathrooms.

He was checking his facebook updates and one of the newbies were bragging about having a near mint number eleven card. A card that only has ten made. Now if he was a bitter person he would storm down there and take it. But he wasn't. Now Maria had already done something like this before so his options were Clint or himself.

Or he could buy off him. Yeah he was going to have to buy it off him. Damn it. He needed a raise…or he could borrow it from Natasha he was pretty sure she didn't have a clue she even got a paid check.

He needed to go find the newbie. Get him to agree to sell the card and probably pay out of the ass for it.

"Come on name your price." Phil finally found him, and damn it he didn't want to sell.

"It's not for sale."

"Everything is for sale. Come on. Name your price."

"No. I'm not selling this."

"Okay see I don't think you know what I do here. I keep Hawkeye and The Black Widow in check. I tell them what to do and they listen. If I tell them to go find your family, slowly kill them, chop them up and cook them into chili Eric Cartman style they would and I will enjoy watching you eat them and ask for more. Now name your price." He did not kid around when it came to Captain America.

"I'm calling your bluff Coulson you can't just bully people into doing your bidding with your two lap dogs."

Phil never considered Natasha and Clint his lapdogs, mostly because lap dogs tended to listen better than those two but when he spotted Clint up in the rafters and his expression he knew that he heard. Poor newbie wasn't going to be living much longer.

"I was giving you a fair chance to name any price you wanted but fine. By the way they aren't my lapdogs. They're more like bats what with their great hearing and all." He pointed up to Clint. "You're on your own now."

Later that day Phil came back to his office to find the card and a dvd on his desk. He heard that poor Agent Johnson was in medical needing a skin graph for his left leg which was stripped down to the bone.

He figured on the dvd was the explanation to what happened to his leg. He had to watch it, see what the kids did for him, after all they took the time to film it.

It started up with Johnson being tied to a chair in his boxers, knife sticking out of his leg and Natasha straddling him with a potato peeler in her hand.

"Now let's try this one more time. If Phil Coulson gives you the chance to name the price of something he wants that you have. You name a fucking price." She dragged the knife down his leg. "Oh don't worry I won't get tired of this. See this is what I did for fun during my formative years. I know how to completely strip your leg so all you have left is bone, yet still keep you from bleeding out and dying…until I want you too." Phil didn't know if he should try and help her again or just think that she recalled this info just for his benefit.

"Don't forget to chop off his dick too Nat." Clint's voice was heard and Phil had to guess from the shaky camera work that he was the one holding the camera.

"Clint are you saying that the Bastard of Bolton can torture someone better than me?" Natasha spun around to look at Clint as if this was a huge insult.

"Of course not mostly because I have no idea who that is. Just make sure you chop off his little Johnson."

"You said you started reading A Song of Ice and Fire." She took the knife out of the leg only to put it back in.

"Of course I said that. I thought if you thought I did, you'd sleep with me."

"For the last time Clint, not going to happen. Hey Johnson. What did you say about Clint and I again?" When he started to take his time with his answer Natasha twisted the knife. "Oh come on, if you cooperate maybe I'll only chop off your little tiny blue balls."

"What in gods name are you two doing?" Good old Fury always had to find the fun.

"He called us lapdogs." Clint answered.

"I wasn't here." Fury left the room without a second thought. That really should've been a clue to Johnson that he fucked up. When the Director didn't want to save your ass you were doomed.

"Now where were we? Oh right." She reached over and grabbed the potato peeler. "I couldn't find a flaying knife on short notice, mine is getting cleaned and sharpened." She took off a small chunk of skin the screams of pure agony were music to Phil's ears.

"Fine I'll sell him the card just stop!"

"Nope, past that now. You're going to give him the card."

"Fine! Just stop!"

"Since the card is now Phil's we just need to settle the lapdogs comment. So congratulations. You get to keep that little baby carrot you call a dick." She continued to take the rest of the skin off his leg but Clint turned the camera towards him.

"You're welcome Phil!"

Yeah a man may never be able to walk again but he had his card and everyone learned a very important lesson about what happens when you insult the two most terrifying and oddly nerdy assassins.

… Eighth Card (6) …

Father's day was coming up. Normally this meant absolutely nothing to him. But whenever he went around Clint and Natasha they would get really quite and make up terrible excuses for leaving very quickly. He was going to go see Maria and see if she knew what was up. He didn't want to wear the wrong outfit to the special event.

"Hey Maria do you know what the kids are up to?" Sure Phil knew Maria had work to do and he did as well but still. He wanted to know what they were up to.

"Last I checked they actually weren't up to something for once. Even they need to take breaks now and then Phil." Maria was getting far to use to working while being interrupted.

"I just thought they might be planning something for me for father's day."

"Why would they plan something for you for father's day?"

"Because they look up to me like a father figure."

"No they do not. Maybe like a weird uncle."

"Oh come on. They do think of me like a father. I'd bet you anything they are doing something for me. Just you wait and see Hill. They'll do something for me."

"They ruined a new agent's leg for you."

"They will do something for me for Father's day."

"They won't!"

The days came and went until Father's Day was upon them. Phil was down right giddy at the thought of what those two had planned for him. Sure it was five pm and he had yet to see either of them but he was sure they had something planned.

Maria knew she was going to have to fix this. She had find those two and make them do something so Phil doesn't go around sulking for months over the fact that Clint and Natasha don't view him as a father figure, or view him as one so much that they would give him something for Father's day.

She finally found them hiding in one of the cars. "Phil thinks you two are planning this huge surprise for him for Father's day. I know you each found one of the remaining cards for his birthday so you need to give him one of those cards now…and a tie. Go to the mall now. Get a Captain America tie for him. A gift bag and if we're lucky, he'll be so overcome with emotion he'll piss himself. Now go!" She could hear them bickering over who was driving. "Just do Rock Paper Scissors to see who drives, whoever doesn't drives has to forfeit the card."

It only took two highly trained assassin's four hours to shop for a tie and gift bag. She really hoped they remembered a card, she didn't mention it but she really thought it would go without saying.

"I'll get him out of his office, you two go put them on his desk. Don't forget to make reservations at one of the stakehouses. You know how Phil likes his steakhouses." Maria really should get an award for dealing with them.

Phil was paged down to the basement and didn't understand why he would be needed in the weapon developing department since that last time he was there he accidently blow a hole in the wall. He just wanted to know what it did. He liked hitting buttons. When he got down there he was told unless accompanied by a higher up agent he wasn't allowed to step foot off the elevator. He went all the ways back up to his office to find a gift bag on his desk. He knew it. They cared.

He opened it up and screamed. He quickly changed his tie and raced out to find those two. The card just said dinner was at ten at a stakehouse. He had one hour to find them before the restaurant. So he did what anyone in his position would do. He made a building wide announcement for anyone who sees them to detain them at all costs until he could get there. Yes it ended up with some agents getting their asses kicked but it was worth it. When he found them he gave Natasha a hug and she was only stiff for most of it and only quietly muttered that she really wanted him to let her go, Clint still made a homoerotic joke out of it thought but small victories.

…Ninth Card (8) …

Phil was on cloud nine. He knew that his kids did care about him, even if one of them was at least forty years older than him. He had a great father's day dinner even he had to pay himself since neither of those two carried any form of money with them. But none of that mattered. They were currently on their way to the airport to start his magical birthday celebration week. Seeing Natasha and Clint try to go through airport security was more than enough fun for him.

"Now let's go through this one more time. When we go through security, we take off our shoes, empty our pockets and put everything in the bin. We then walk through the metal detector. We do not set it off. Then we wait off to the side until everyone has gone through. If you fuck up, some stranger is going to put their fingers inside your no no places." Phil went over with Natasha and Clint. "Now you don't have any weapons on you right? Nothing metal or that is clearly a weapon, no nail clippers, no liquids over a certain small amount."

"If we can't have weapons why does Maria have her gun?"

"I'm allowed to take a gun."

"Why are you allowed but we aren't?"

"Well Natasha you are on a terrorist list so you really shouldn't even be allowed on the plane. Clint is a convicted felon so that means no flying for him either. If you both applied for gun permits you wouldn't get them, and they give them out like candy." Phil really enjoyed this. Just spending time with the three people he really enjoyed.

"Can I at least take my bracelets?"

"Give them to me just encase. Turn them off first. Don't feel like getting electrocuted again." Maria rolled her eyes, honestly those two were such babies when they couldn't have dangerous weapons with them.

"Ma'm the shoes." The airport security guard was not that patience.

"Do you not see me taking them off. There is twenty different ties on these things." Natasha snapped back at him. She didn't know they had to take off their fucking shoes when she put them on this morning. Last time she flew with an airline company you were still allowed to smoke.

"You're holding up the line Ma'm."

"You're about to be holding in your intestines." Natasha muttered kicking off one boot and hiding the self-satisfactory grin after it hit the guard in the face. "Oops, sorry."

"Just go." He had the tone that made it sound like he was thinking he wasn't paid enough for this shit.

"So what does a guy have to around here to get a free prostate exam?"

"Clint! Not now!" Phil didn't want to miss the flight because Clint got himself locked up.

"Fine." Clint didn't have any problems getting his shoes off.

The actually being on the plane was the most difficult part. Clint was stuck next to a screaming baby. Natasha had an annoying child kicking her seat. Phil had Maria's wallet and was buying himself things from the Sky Mall. Maria was already drinking to numb the headache from hearing Natasha bitch about how it wasn't fair she wasn't allowed to injure the child.

"She's going to snap." Phil told Maria watching Natasha's grip on the arm rests tighten.

"Twenty she puts the kid in therapy." Maria knew it was terrible to bet on stuff like this but with Natasha and Clint, you had fun with it or you tried to teach them morals. Betting was easier.

"Yeah I'll take that action." They only had to wait five more minutes before Natasha turned around in her seat and glared at the little boy.

"Listen here you little shit. See the blood on my hands." She held up a bloody hand and Phil was impressive she actually cut her hand just to scare a child. "This is Santa's blood. I killed him. He's dead because you're parents made the terrible choice of not getting an abortion when they were expecting you. See an abortion is when you kill the baby when it's still in the mommy's belly." She reached over and wiped the bloody hand on the child's face. "Have fun with Santa's blood on face."

She turned back around and started to wrap her hand in a red shirt clearly hiding the fact that the blood on the kid's face was hers.

"Feel better?" Phil asked waiting for the mother of the child to come back and see the now crying child with someone else's blood on his face.

"So much."

"OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON!" The mother just came back. "WHO DID THIS!"

"We're getting kicked off this flight aren't we?" Clint asked leaning over the isle to ask Maria.

"Don't worry. We foresaw something like this happening." She went to her pocket and pulled out a pair of handcuffs handing them over to Natasha. "Put them on and be quite."

When a stewardess came by Maria held up a badge and said that she was already taking care of it and there was no reason to land early. Too bad the pilots thought differently.

"Sorry I ruined your birthday trip." Natasha really didn't think that rubbing her blood on some kid's face was enough to get kicked off a flight even with Phil and Natasha pretending to be air marshals or whatever they were.

"You didn't ruin it. You did cost me twenty though."

"Well since we're stuck in Canada we might as well do the presents now." Clint was actually glad they didn't have to go to the last place Steve Rogers was on land.

Phil didn't know which gift to open first but all three were combined into one so it was actually very easy to open the one gift. There was a pair of Captain America pjs, some Cap'n boxers and holy shit.

How did they find the rare number six card?

"Come on, it's hug time." Clint didn't mind the hug, but when he grabbed Phil's ass he thought he felt something poking him. But he was chalking it up to the usual Captain America boner. Natasha was only stiff, she didn't even say the usual she wanted him to let her go. Soon he was sure he could get her to hug back. Maria even hugged him.

"I'd say let's go find cake but we all know the only thing bakeries in Canada is going to have are doughnuts." Clint shrugged. "Let's go find one and put a candle on it."

… Tenth Card (7) …

Phil was stuck in the hospital, he went undercover with Natasha on a mission. He may or may not slapped the wrong stripper's ass, gotten into a fight with the bouncer and only lost because the stripper shot him in the leg. Natasha who for once messed up, even if she kept saying she didn't, wasn't there to have his back.

Point was he was making her feel guilty, well trying to she just kept pointing out how she usually ended up injured when he was trying to get one of his cards. So he had to just guilt Clint who was easier but at the same time took the homoerotic jokes a bit too far.

"This hospital food is disgusting. How about one of you go get me a nice juicy burger Clint?" Phil asked flipping through his Captain America comic book.

"Sure Phil, I'll pick you up some pants too so you don't have to keep wearing that gown." Clint knew that wearing the Captain pants made Phil feel better whenever he was sick or injured or just sad because the TiVo didn't record Super Nanny.

Fury came in with Phil's laptop. "I brought your laptop, I made sure you had the last three seasons of each Nanny show downloaded, even The Nanny because I know how much you loved your sitcoms." He really did care about his agents. Well he cared about the higher up ones.

"There is just something about Fran that I love so much." Phil admitted with that fond smile he got when thinking about his shows.

"She warms all of our hearts. I missed Days earlier did you catch it?"

"Of course I did. I'll catch you up on it later okay? Nanny Jo is yelling at incompetent parents."

"Why do you watch these shows so much?"

"They give me tips about how to deal with Barton and Romanoff."

"Alright. Let me know if any of them actually work. We need more ways to get them to listen."

"Did you try withholding a paycheck?"

"Yeah that stopped working, turns out Natasha didn't know she actually got paid. All that money we could've saved." Fury sighed. "Oh well. Get better Phil." He reached into his jacket pocket and laid a small box down on those bed tables all hospital rooms had. "Little birdie told me you were looking for this one."

Phil opened the box and a did his little fanboy scream. "This is amazing sir where did you find it?"

"Agent Johnson's father died and left it to him. Found it in the frame by his hospital bed, he's in a coma and completely brain dead so I figured he didn't need it anymore."

"Johnson's brain dead?"

"I heard Natasha slammed his head repeatedly into a brick wall but I have no idea if anyone asks."

"I should send Johnson flowers, this is the second card I took from him. Oh well."


End file.
